Happy new year to us all, may this year the vaccine is working and fewer people die. Let’s just hope this year is better than in 2020. Well, where do I start? Hmm… Let me say that I am very well thanks to being able to stay in this country, Singapore. I met a lot of people here good and bad people whom I realize that I have been a friend with since I am having depression issue of looking out for job opportunity.
The only thing I regret during that time is I am wasting it with toxic people. I was clearly hoping last time that I could have a loving boyfriend but then again, who would have thought that I am now still single and decided to just wait till I meet the right person, and have laid a good job but now running my website for almost 4 years. All of my beauty products are coming from sponsorship and I bought it for myself now.
Most of the skills I get from running my own website and social media. From making creative design to make my own invoice also arranging all the publication myself. The effort that I made to create everything is what makes me feel so happy for myself. I could never think that my own website could lessen my depression issues. I also made my own podcast in 2019 and has been gathering 3.5k listener, I feel that I meet people who feel the same way as I feel. The mutual connection just happened because I can feel that as people listen to my podcast they also appreciate my feeling.
I also blogging in 2 blogging platform which is tumblr and dayre almost everyday and making my own journal to better myself. Whenever I feel down I will just write in either of this platform, sharing my thought. Some people give hug and love as sign of support. Some other leave a really thoughtful comment. I feel my life gotten better as I accept myself.
The fact that I no longer feel that I can find anything relevant with dating specific guys, the more that I feel appreciative of myself. I should never force myself to date, specific guys, just because I am scared of the thought of having to end up with a very conservative and orthodox husband. But now, I feel that I should have accepted it from the beginning because it takes two people who want to get to know and start to understand each other to begin a good relationship. It cannot be done alone. I have waste my time to like someone for 5 years but unable to accept the fact that he lied to me yet I keep forcing myself to just like him, and feeling very sympathic with his situation when the only that I should be focusing on is my happiness. When one person lips has covered with many lies, this person will mostly ended up alone, no matter how good he potray himself because deep inside he never be as good as what he want other people to believe.
By dating him, I realise a lot of things and one of them is:
“Love cannot be force”
If someone really indeed love and care for you, they won’t be running away too often and keep on coming back. You are not the last option. They are the last option for their ownself, so leaving this person be is the better choice for your futuself, and I am now feeling thankful.
As I continue writing this I found out that I’m being so silly for wanting to have a job in Singapore last time where I could have done a lot of stuff like opening my own online shop or perhaps seliing random stuff onlie or making a small business online as well. Then, I also realise that I have been living by pressuring myself to be perfect because people around me have been putting lots of pressure. I have been in toxic relationship even date toxic people, yet never aware that they making me become such a toxic person.
Then I realise that both of my parents has been really toxic to each other as well, that’s could have drawn toxic people into our life. I discuss about our toxic behavior with family, and they started to try to change into better person. What kind of person you are, you will drawn what kind of person into your life.
Another example is my previous office, full of toxic people that like to talk about each others and also fight with blood boiling in the office. That’s makes me wanna vomit and wanna leave the office as soon as possble. I realise that the reason I accept this job is because I drawn those ngeative energy to me. I am lazy and scared that nobody could have accept me to work with their company.
I am scared way too much and seeing a lots of news online that could affect my mental well being. It does not help me at all. I also feel that this COVID-19 where all of us staying at home, it does give me sometime to reflect myself even thou that makes my anxiety coming back but now I feel much better than before when Iwait for 2.5 years to get a job. When I decided to close this website and stop being content creator. My family stop me from doing so, since it made income for me and also help me to reduce expenses, why do I need to close this down – that’s what they told me.
Well, without this website, I probably have to spend $3000 – $4000 permonth for my skincare and lifestyle need, while I am currently not spending any money for all of those except internet, and perhaps took a small shopping with my mom to buy pajamas and outfit.
So, what am I doing right now?
I am just helping with my family business, dad still running it and we still can earn a bit of small money to live every month. Thankfully facemask price is reduce now, and we are often staying at home – not gonna come out except if it is important. I also feel so much better after loss 8kg now, I feel more productive as well and also more energetic. I have no ideas that body weight is playing important role to your female health especially for your period schedule. If you are someone whom often miss your period, it may be because of your body gaining weight therefore it causes that to happened. Also if your menstrual blood contain blood spot, it may also causes by body weight. My period is heavy flow but I less feel cramps and fatigue as my body weight is reduce. I am thinking to reduce 20 kg more.
I have been trying to reach out my old friends back in Indonesia, make connection via Linkedin and some of them are being my social media friends right now. We exchange WhatsApp and talk. Also been making friends with other creator via Instagram and Twitter too. We have been following each other for 3 years already. I make some friends through Tinder apps as well, well one female here wanted to date a guy after this pandemic over. I also want to travel around the world.
It is actually good to be able to text people and just share our thought and what we do everyday. Well, there is a chances people will bave bad motives but with this current situation, the only things that we all should be careful is love scam. Some people will pressure you to do stuff like investment and send them money. It is only idiotic to trust this kind of messed up people online
I also feel so much better reading girls on Dayre (follow me on Dayre: @feliccine) talking about what happened aprund them, and I feel
“Oh there is someone that feel the same way with me. When those kind of things happened!”
Right now I am practicing to text in chinese, and I guess my chinese gotten better right now. As I also develop interest in china and been watching their historical tv drama quite often now.
I am feel like it is already part of my life, but I am less updating nonsensical stuff online right now, except latest collab or if there is really useful things to share with my audience. Last time I feel under pressure to update stuff online, making it as pretty and fabolous as possible but now, I feel that it is not necessary to update way too often or making themed instagrammable content. All I did is just update whenever I want to update, because I wanted to still focus on finding permanenet office job while also running this site and then focus to better myself without pressering me to work and work. I wanted to feel happy.
What is happiness in 2021?
Perhaps if I can meet someone that I can share moment with that would be better and having a good paid job that’s even better for me. All that e=left is saving money to buy house and decided which part of the world that I wanna stay forever. Also, The well-being of my mentalhealth. I wanted to be honest with myself and never fake being happy or nice person anymore. I don’t wanna feel underpressure when someone trying to place their feet into my head (idioms). I just wanna be a person who can defend mytself, protect my feeling and also thinking and focusing to be a better person and intoxicable.