I cannot content myself not to write about this, especially when this strong feeling is increasing. Not to get me wrong, I am in the peak of having a good life, and I think I earned it. I write this for those who also feel the same way.
when our insecurity play the best out of us
I just got a new job that I feel it’s enhancing my capability as a person myself yet in some reason. I have ear that curling up inward and since I born Chinese, my family belief of ‘face reading’ or stiff like that. More so often not than reality or fact or scientific proof.
I thought that by getting this new job, I am able to proof that I still can work even in my 30’s – I was totally wrong. I do sometimes feel that society doesn’t give me the chances to just proof myself. Some people are often trying to push us to the cliff just to see how will we react.
I was being called less than average smart. In any way, it is ‘DUMB’. The more I grow up, the stronger that feeling is. Such as ‘she knows only to dress up, put makeup, and flirt with guys. Cannot do any job at all.’
Then I grow up realizing as a female myself. I wanted to be attractive, to feel pretty so I do manicure, pay attention to my skin, hair, and body hair. All of that. I work to spend money on myself. Perhaps if anyone of you is feeling the same way. Just so you know you are not alone. I am to feel that way and you can always talk about it with me.
The scariest things is when I do my job and scared making mistake because I am scared of what people are saying about me. Those judging eyes and all those lips.
I often say to myself ‘everyone makes mistake, I am not a robot. Even robot can make mistake somehow’.
Then other things is my social awkwardness. I am not as socialist as what I used since I was a kid. I often overcome this problem. Born in ‘not-rich’ family causing a very big affect especial when the kids is growing up in the society that putting great emphasis to ‘richness’ even thou there are people that ain’t rich.
People are saying these people who become an influencer or blogger having a really big self-confident. It’s not me. Perhaps I can say that blogging makes me boost my self-confidence because I can be myself and ignore what people are saying since the one that created the blog is me. No fundamental ruler of what is good blogging. Everybody starts somewhere.
Last time I always question:
WHY SOCIETY CAN BE SO HARSH AND JUDGEMENTAL?
When in fact these judgemental people are often being a judge as well. I feel that we need to stop this kind of poisonous habit that could lead people to suffer mental health issues.
I am ever in a jealous part with other pretty girls that are born in a good family… I mean rich. They get to wear a pretty dress and most of them are also so happy that they are born rich. Getting close with other pretty girls. While in fact myself, getting bitter because of these judgemental people around.
It also happened when I try to seek out partner on those online dating site. Can you even imagine when you try your best to find a partner where you want to share everything? but instead, you meet all those douche bag and lousy people who just want to take advantages of you.
Sometimes it happened to us all when we have pure intention to seek a good person and we prepare to face ‘relationship’ but nor a chance given to us. Instead I face all of those people who have the chances to makes me feel less love or hopeless for no reason
When all of them are actually stranger.
I DECIDED TO…
After 2 month spending my time in Tangerang because all of the airport is close. I realize that I was the one who allow these people to makes me feel unhappy. I put my hopes too high on other people but not myself. I allow them to go inside my life, in hope that they will be with me together facing the truth about life.
Not all people have the courage to do so.
One fine day, I was facing with my own imagination of what if…. I stuck in this place forever, being a housewife to someone who lousy enough. I don’t love him much and nor does I want to be stuck as a mommy to children while my head still want to explore the world around me.
Then I realise that the feeling I should feel is happiness. I am happy because I am single, free and have lots of chances to meet people around while my option remain open. I can just reply or not to reply to all of those text. I could just remain relax and not taking things seriously except for my own stuff.
I have also join dreary community where people share their own personal stories and find out that some girls experience the same things too. They have been experiencing online dating stuff and I read article on MEDIUM that tells online dating does makes you feel unhappy comparing to yourself being single in real life while enjoying your own life.
I just need to take things slow and while building my own confidence beside it is not as instant as you want it to be.